yet another link on the world wide web

So I've finally opened a Photoblog as well...I'm not satisfied with the template or the fact that I can't change it, but its a start...for now at least.
www.lei.shutterchance.com

Cosas differentes

So I've undertaken a task....a daunting task, but something while I'm determined to finish.

I am going to read a book in Spanish.

Yes, in Spanish.
I've decided that its necessary, for my learning as well as reading comprehension in Spanish to do so. It not easy, believe me, I just finished translating and learning about twenty or so words, and that was only in one paragraph.
Quite sad...I know, but seeing as there were so many words I didn't know in just one paragraph, I'm sure it will help me to learn them. Now using them in everyday speech...thats another matter.

Besides that, I had an exchange class with a friend from another home with Spanish the other day, with her basically correcting all of my mistakes when I said something wrong, and me correcting hers when she said something wrong in English. We understood each other for the most part.

In the book I've started reading, I especially loved this part.

'Revolcarse en el fango no es la mejor manera de limpiarse.'

It sounds so much better than just saying it in English.

I believe I will enjoy reading this book....se llama 'Un Mundo Feliz'

Just Hold onto Me

Someone hold me…
Just hold me
No need for words
No questions why
Just hold me
Don’t let go
Until I feel the need to cry
Has vanished
And is no more

If I start to speak
Don’t say a word
Let me express everything
I’ve been holding in for so long
Let me pour it all out
It won’t happen again for a while
Hopefully not this bad
Perhaps I held too much in this time
And the bottle got too heavy to hold
So it fell and cracked open

Just hold me
Don’t let me go
No need for words
No questions why
Just hold me
Don’t let me go
Until I feel the need to cry
Has vanished
And is no more

Can you just listen
Not say anything at all
Caress my head, my arms, my back
And just hold on to me
I need someone to grasp onto
Someone to be here, to love me
Can you do that for me?
You have no idea how much
I need this right now
How much I need to weep

Just hold me
Don’t let me go
No need for words
No questions why
Just hold me
Don’t let me go
Until I feel the need to cry
Has vanished
And is no more

I need

you, or you, or you, or you
I miss you, come back to me

And then it hit me...

It’s interesting when you finally come to the realization of something about yourself, no matter how many times somebody else pointed it out to you before; it always has a bigger effect when you, yourself finally realize it.

Such a happening occurred today at the lunch table. Somebody made a reference about some food that I had cooked last night and how ‘disgusting’ it was. They were joking of course, but I, lacking self confidence, had to ask what was really wrong with the food, not giving into the thought that perhaps they were just pulling my leg.

After receiving an assuring answer, only then did I feel relieved and confident that I did something well.

It was as if I needed assurance from someone else to boost my own self confidence.

Then it dawned on me…I do this on a regular basis.

I automatically get in a questioning mode after I’ve completed something, and need assurance and something in which to base myself on to be able to get my confidence back up to par.

In lacking confidence in myself, and having to go to others for reassurance, I show that I’m very insecure in myself.

I lack the self assurance to ‘not give a damn’ about what everybody else thinks. What other people think matters a lot to me, and if someone says something and it doesn’t sit well with me, I’m the type of person that will mull it over, trying to figure out what they could have possibly meant by it, and if it had multiple meanings.

Of course, most of the time people don’t notice this, and so think I’m just the quiet type that just sits in the corner, but usually the reason I’m quiet is because I’m thinking very seriously about what is going on, or why something was said.

But back to my lack of confidence, which really leads up to a lack of acceptance.

I want to be accepted, I feel a ‘need’ to be accepted and pursue any possibility of reassurance I can get that I am in fact accepted.

This could be tracked down to my childhood and early teen years, where I was the outcast. Sure, the people I grew up with and spent all those years with may tend to disagree, but they never saw it from my viewpoint.

It always seemed that I had to work harder, be more than I was in order to be accepted into their little ‘groups’. But I would always make a fool out of myself and expose who I really was to everyone in the end, and I was back at square one, fighting and scrounging for acceptance once again. It was a never ending process, and in some ways, I revert to that over and over again, willing to do almost anything if it means acceptance.

But I think the real problem is not that I was always seeking acceptance from other people, but that I couldn’t accept myself. I compared myself to others constantly and I just couldn’t accept myself for the way I was and get over it.

I always had to try to be like this, or like that, or force myself into someone else’s mold, where I didn’t fit, and I never really allowed myself to discover who I really was.

I never accepted myself, and in not accepting myself, I sought acceptance from others, which tore apart any self confidence I held, which I always had to glean from other people in the end.

I lacked the courage to accept the person I was, to be confident in myself and be able to stand up to any challenges I faced. I would balk and cower if it meant I had to do something in which would require courage and self confidence, even if it was something which I was talented at. I’d feel a ‘need’ to hear someone say that the job I did was ‘well done’, and feel satisfied with myself only after hearing those words.

I couldn’t stand the thought of failing, or making a mistake and then being corrected for it, as then it would mean that I wasn’t ‘good enough’.

I analyzed myself over and over again, criticized myself if I wasn’t doing something right, feeling that I could do it better, but needing reassurance from someone else to give me their opinion as well.

I just lacked acceptance in myself, lacked confidence in the things I would do, which showed I lacked the character of belief in myself and denied myself the ability to define my personality, denying myself the right to grow.

You’ve heard about those people that started working out too early or drinking coffee too early, and so it stunted their growth?

Well I was like those people, in that my personality's and character's growth were stunted. I was trying to force myself to be something I wasn’t, forcing myself into molds that left my character and personality undeveloped.

You may tend to agree, or disagree with what I've just revealed to you about myself, but what really matters to me right now is that I realized it.

And when you have a realization about yourself, then comes the realization also that you have the ability to change, and pursue growth, turning yourself into a better person and allowing you to come closer to the full potential of what you were meant to be.

A new year...a new decade

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts on my mind recently about entering into a new decade…I probably should have started writing this when it was first crossing my mind, but knowing myself I always tend to let the ‘interesting’ things that cross my mind sit too long and then it all comes out a lot less eloquent than when it first entered my thoughts…I need to change that habit…

So I’m going to be turning the ‘big’ twenty in two days, a change for sure, its not like turning 16 or 18, it seems a bit bigger than that in a way, because I’m closing an entire decade of a chapter of my life, and to think that this hasn’t happened for ten years, and won’t happen again for another ten is a big thought. That and ten years ago I wasn’t even thinking of how big a change it was turning ten…I wasn’t looking back at how far I’ve come, weighing all of my choices, decisions, dreams on a scale and contemplating where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in the next ten years…

Ten years ago I was more interested in the presents I would receive, who would come for my birthday party, how much fun it was going to be opening my presents and playing those silly little games you think are fun when you are ten years of age. It didn’t matter that I was coming into a new decade of my life, that I was no longer in the one digit age, but that my age had two digits in it now, I didn’t look back…I probably looked forward but didn’t think a lot about it, I didn’t wonder where I would be in ten years, or even the next year, I was content to just live each day as it passed by.

But now…it’s weird to think that this is the first decade in which I can look back, and look forward and weigh the choices and their consequences on a scale. It’s the first decade of my life in which I’m old enough to really care about all of that, and thinking that I’m already halfway to forty makes it even harder.

Things have changed a lot in the last ten years, to say the least.

I’ve moved at least seven times, been to two new countries, traveled below the equator, made a lot of new friends…and enemies, well I’m not sure if I have any, but if I do…I hope that we can come to an understanding and work tings out between us.

Some of my close friends have moved far away, had babies and gotten themselves married.

I’ve known what it feels like to lose someone you love dearly and wept about the loss, wishing that my tears would be enough to bring them back to life.

I’ve felt the distinct mark responsibility has on you, and how it feels like to be ‘on my own’. Knowing that ten years ago my decisions were made for me, and in the last four or so I’ve come to where I had to make my own decisions and not depend on anyone else to make them for me, gone through many withdrawals when I started making my own choices and made a lot of mistakes, learned a lot of lessons, and feel a lot ‘wiser’ than I did before because of them.

I’ve wept openly and felt the hurt emotions can have if you depend too much on them. I’ve thought myself to be ‘in love’ many times, but it usually turned out to just be extreme infatuation, or perhaps I’m just in denial about them…

I almost ran off and got myself married a few times…thank God I didn’t…

Been hurt, and hurt others, been sorry and been forgiven and forgave too many times to count.

So many things…in the last ten years, memories, some happy, some sad, some forgotten, some just remembered…but all there still. Everything which has come together to make me what I am today…

So here’s to this new decade, through the good or bad, through the hurt or happiness, may I look back in ten years and be content with everything that may have happened whether good or bad, seeing it as stepping stones, learning processes which continues to hopefully make me into a better person than I was before…

Estoy aqui!!!

I´ve arrived, I´m safe, I´m happy, and I still can´t speak the language!!
There´s a little update and summary for you...

Well I survived the flight, breezed through getting my visa done, and got hassled by customs and every taximan there was...but its all good, as I made it through, and came out better for it.
I´ve been having a bit of trouble understanding the spanish here though, they have a lot of fillers which don´t mean anything, and they speak very weird, in comparison to the mexican spanish that I´m used to.
I haven´t had a chance to take any pictures yet, as I´ve been busy since the moment I stepped out of the plane, with shopping, walking, business and anything else, today was the first day that I was able to sit down and get anything done, like my spanish for example, I was able to do 2 whole lessons. Unfortunately I don´t have a converter for my plug for my computer yet so I haven´t been able to work on that as much as I would like to.
I am determined to learn the language...pray for me!!!
Anyhow I have nothing else to say, I´m a pretty boring person when it comes to posting, and I´d love to get into details of everything that has happened in the past few days, but I think I´d just end up rambling on and on, and you would be sitting there praying that I would finish soon.
So adios, I will leave you to your sanity

(who knew tennis was so hard...I have to get better at it!!! I must!!!)

Hello, I haven't forgotten about you

So I'm sure many of you have been wondering if I even breathe anymore, as this blog seems to have just up and died a little while ago...minus the last post of lyrics, and the post before that of just a link...and I haven't posted for quite a while about what I'm up to..or where I really am.
Well...I have an excuse...its a famous excuse, everyone uses it a lot, but the difference with me using it and them...is cause its true in my case (ok fine, it could be true in yours as well). But I've been busy, and by busy I mean running-around-like-a-chicken-with-my-head-cut-off, kind of busy. Well...perhaps not to that extreme, but I have been running around.
I've been in Chicago for the last 6 weeks and today is my last day, I leave around 5pm today for the airport to fly the heck out of this country and all the way down to Chile!
Can you see my excitement just oozing off of this page?? Well if you can't...or you don't get the feeling that it is, then your wrong! Cause I'm so psyched to go, and it will be such an awesome experience, I'm jumping up and down for joy inside!
Its kinda weird, because up until a certain point I kinda felt like it wouldn't really happen...it was too good to be true, kinda where 'I won't believe it till I see it, or experience it' type of feeling. I kinda was in a daze about this whole entire thing...like if you asked me, I would say, 'I'm pretty sure I'm going to Chile', or 'I might be going to Chile'. I don't think I even gave a definite answer for a while there...because I didn't really believe that it would happen myself.
But here I am now, all packed and ready to go, and I'm going to be arriving in Chile tomorrow morning and so ecstatic!
So before I go now, here are some recent pictures that I've taken and also posted a few of on my devart page here which I'll leave for you to pick apart with criticism while I'm traveling.

How I feel, nostalgic and alone

Damaged

~by Plumb .
Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back I must go on....

They just keep getting bigger

This just made me laugh so hard today. I love it!
some are such classics
tell me you don't get a laugh out of at least 1 picture in that set

1 hour of sleep and a neck ache is all I've gotten so far

Oi, I am never ever, ever, ever, EVER flying with jetBlue airlines again!
As I'm writing this, I am stuck at the airport, enroute to Austin, to visit my family, and I have spent the night by myself, alone, with annoying voices on the loudspeakers ever 10 minutes or so, and with perhaps only 1 hour of sleep.
My connecting flight was cancelled while I was in the air, so when I landed and walked through the doors to the terminal, a stream of dread coarsed through my body when I saw the crowds of people that were looking about as pissed as I was about to be when I found out not a moment later that they had cancelled my next flight, and I would have to rebook for the next available flight heading out that way...which with my luck, wasn't until 1:30pm the next day.
It is 6:30am, and I don't think its necessary to expound on how much I hate mornings, this one no exception, except that I might just dislike this one morning a bit more.
Come 1:30 this afternoon, when my flight finally takes off, I will not have stepped outside of an aircraft or airport in a full 24 hours...and my flight doesn't even arrive in Austin till about 5pm, so by that time I will have spent roughly about 28 hours in various airports and aircrafts.
I had planned to be in Austin today already, spending the day with my family, and taking as many pictures as I could fit on my memory card, but apparently some evil minion interfered with my plans and screwed me over.
Not to mention, that this airline didn't even put people up in hotels for the night, and made them either stay in the terminal (like I and so many other people, with only little airplane pillows and blankets to comfort them), or leave the masses and fight for an available hotel room for the remainder of the night. I mean, what airline has cable tv, leather seats in coach and boasts of the most leg room, but doesn't offer some sort of compensation for the inconvenience that they have caused so many people.
I'll tell you....A SCREWED UP ONE!

In the empty room

I've done it again
I've finished a drawing
I seem to never finish any of my drawings anymore, and if I do, it usually has taken me about 2 years to do or so.
This last drawing that I finished surprisingly only took me a few months to complete...I don't remember exactly when I started it, only that I finished it today, and thats all that really matters to me.
I have many other unfinished drawings sitting in my sketchbook that I have yet to finish, so maybe in the future you will see them posted up here too...but for now they lay unfinished.
Here is my newly completed drawing, for your viewing pleasure


done with HB, 2B, 4B, 6B, and 7B pencils on 65 lb. 9 x 12 paper

Just Trust

I think, one of the major things I'm learning right now, is to just trust the Lord for everything.
I have a tendency to worry, and get stressed a lot sometimes, and I really forget to just give it all over to the Lord and let him work things out and trust him.
A few things happened recently that really helped me to see that I really shouldn't try to do things in my own strength.
One being that I had been trying to work something out, and it kept on getting delayed for one reason or another, and I didn't entirely know the reason why, just that I was getting very frustrated. So I finally broke down and asked the Lord why it wasn't working, and he told me that I was missing a piece of the picture, skipping a step in the path that he had for me, and it wasn't working out cause it wasn't his will yet. The next step for me was to go visit my family in Morelia, something which I had decided not to do, because it didn't seem logical.
It was very difficult for me, just trusting him like that, as I didn't know what was going to happen next, I couldn't stay there for very long, and I basically didn't really have a place planned out to go to next, so it really was a test of faith for me. But I went anyways, I was still worrying, still fretting, and I wasn't trusting completely.
But it was really amazing how it all worked out, I got a ride to the bus terminal, bought my ticket, boarded the bus, and the bus left literally right as soon as I got on it.
If it wasn't the Lord's will that I went, I bet it wouldn't have worked out exactly like it did.
The other thing that happened, was that while I was visiting my family, a few people were going up to the states and I was able to get a ride up there with them.
Everything kinda worked out in the end, quite differently than I was planning on before, but worked out nonetheless.
I really learned that I can really trust the Lord for anything, and that he has a plan and will in everything, and often times, when something isn't working out, or keeps on getting delayed, or something to that effect, usually He has something different planned, or you are just missing a stepping stone, and you just need to follow his plan and not your own.

An Anniversary of a New Life

Another year has passed without you here.

I think about you, I wish that you were here with me, but I know that you’re in a better place.

Are you proud of me?

Are you proud of the way that I’ve turned out?

Do you look down on me from Heaven and tell others how proud you are of me and that I turned out good?

Do you wish you could have stayed, been more a part of my life down here?

Or do you now know the master plan behind it all, the reason you were called home at that time, why you couldn’t live a longer life?

I miss you.

Do you miss me?

I miss your bear hugs, your laugh, your smile, the jokes you would say, the stories you would tell.

I miss it all.

8 years have passed…or is it 9?

It seems so long ago that it happened, that we got the phone call, that I spent days crying, that I couldn’t bear to think of you, or hear about you lest the tears start falling once again.

It hurt.

It hurt that you left me at that time, I couldn’t bear it, I wanted you back so bad, that I wanted to die.

I tried to blame myself; I tried to blame others, anything to keep myself from blaming God, because I knew I couldn’t do that.

I cried myself to sleep at night thinking about you.

I asked God to let me hear your voice once again, to hear you sing to me again…I think he might have answered that request.

There are so many things that I feel like you missed out on, that I missed out on by you not being here.

But you are here, though I can’t see you, though I can’t always feel you here, you are here.

I’ve let you go, I want you to know that, it was hard, I cried, and I still think about you, and wish I could spend one more day with you again here on earth.

I wish that you could teach me how to surf like you promised, that you could teach me the tunes to all of your songs so I could finally play them.

I will never forget you, I couldn’t do that, you’ve never fully been replaced in my life, but God sent someone who tried, and did a good job of raising me, hopefully how you would have tried to raise me yourself.

Do you thank God for that now? That I had good training, a good upbringing, even though you weren’t the one to do it?

I thank you for everything that we did together while you were here, and that you’re still there to comfort me from the other side.

Happy Birthday Papa, I hope that you are rocking the Heavens into a whole new dimension today, and for eternity.

And when the time is right, I will see you again.

I love you.

It's all just happenstance

My life has been so hectic lately, one thing happening almost right after another. I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, but in the end it all seems to work out just right, and most of the times better than I even hoped.
Yesterday my sister told me that she was going to another home in Mex City for a day or so, and wanted to work out us seeing each other somehow. Of course, this being Mex City, we're about an hour away from each other, and so I told her it probably wouldn't be possible to work that out, and I left it at that. I had already concluded in my mind that I wouldn't be able to see her while she was here in Mex as things were just a little too busy in my life at the moment.
But then, later on, she popped up on chat asking if the home would let me have some time off if she came over here, or if they would let me go over there to be able to see her, and so I went off to find out if either plan was possible.
I don't know what I've done to deserve such kindness and mercy, but nobody seemed to have any problem at all with me taking off last night, and spending the day with her today.
On top of all that, we were having a bible study here with some of the young people in the area, and so I was able to get a ride to a home close to where my sister was staying, and spend the night there.
To be honest, I couldn't get through on the phone to the home to ask if I could spend the night there or not, so I decided to leap out by faith and just go, begging forgiveness as soon as I entered the door and explaining the entire situation (but I wouldn't recommend anyone else to do what I did...its better to get permission first). They were very understanding though and said it was alright that I stay the night, which I am definitely grateful for.
All in all, I am blessed, I don't deserve even a percentage of what the Lord does for me, but he does it for me anyways, and for that, I am eternally thankful.
But I am beginning to believe that my life is all just happenstance.

Snippets

It seems that I have taken up writing once again...off and on though and in spurts.
For some reason though I can't seem to complete anything that I've started, and if I try, it just doesn't come out right, I guess some part of writers block is still there. As of yet, I haven't started writing songs again though, I keep trying, but nothing comes to me.
Here are a few snippets of things that I've written over the last while.

I've been up, I've been down
I turn around
And your still there

*

Never though I'd have to say goodbye
And leave all of you behind
But there comes a time for change
In each and every one of our lives

I've said goodbye so many times
Can I say it one more time
Will I face my fears and wear the tears
That come when I move on

*

When thoughts come screaming out my brain
And emotions I no longer contain
The sun has set upon my grief
Confusion swells with no relief

*

My thoughts roam freely within your mind
And trespass upon secrets inside

*

I've got nothing to give
You've got nothing to gain
So why do you do this
And absorb all my pain

I'll give you one reason
Just let me explain
You are everything to me
And worth all the pain

Through all the sorrows and sadness
I might just complain
But you've given me reason
To smile through my pain

So don't cry my darling
Don't cry in the rain
But smile through your tears
And let me bear your pain

Those are just a few of the things that I've written over the last while, not very good, but I guess it takes time to get that writers streak back.
It comes and goes, like the moving wind, or the tides of the ocean, I just can't be the one to decide when I have it or when I don't.

New and Improved Wireless

New stuff on google, they come up with something new all the time, this is by far the best thing I've seen for a while.
Haha, and no I'm not advertising for them...or maybe I am, but its kewl nonetheless, check it out

Happenings in My Life

So I got up this morning, bright and early and actually went to the gym to work out. I only did this because there was a driver to take me there, and almost everyone else in the home was going...plus My Love has been telling me I need to get up in the morning to work out, as its better for me.

But man, I've been tired the whole day, perhaps I didn't get to bed early enough as I got up at 5:30 this morning rather than the regular 7am reveille. It was a good work out and definately worth it. I think I worked out every part of my legs and ass that I could possibly work out...I don't feel any pain yet though, but who knows when that will kick in, probably tomorrow morning.

Anyhow, we had half prayer day when we got back from the gym, it was nice, very relaxing, very inspiring.

Something else that happened today, was that I was able to hold a broken conversation with a member of my home in spanish today...a breakthrough! haha, it was interesting, I had to ask him what this or that word was in spanish for almost every sentence I made, and a lot of times he would get stumped and I either had to do hand motions, or wrack my brain for another way in which to explain to him the word I wanted translated into spanish was. I must admit though, it was fun, and I didn't realize I knew all that I did till I started actually trying to speak in spanish (yes, I have been trying before, just it didn't flow that well, plus I'm just too shy to just step out and try to speak all the time, or maybe its just my pride getting in the way).

Among other things, I've started learning piano once again, learning to read music and all that. Its been quite fun, and I only started a little over a week ago and I've already almost learned Canon in D completely, there still are some parts that I mess up on, but I'm getting the hang of it. Now just to find more songs to learn on the piano, if anyone reading this blog has any sheet music then please drop me a line in the comment section, because I'm getting kinda desperate for some variety already, heh.

March 18th, 2007

Dear My Love,
Give me the strength
To live one more day for you
Give me the faith
To do the things that
Seem impossible to do
Give me a heart
To learn how to trust
And give me a life
So I can give what I must.

Promises for 2007

I was reading the new comp called Promises for 2007, and I came across these quotes that really spoke to me, perhaps they'll speak to you too.

215. Prepare to rise above like never before. Prepare to rise high above the problems and fears that for so long have bogged you down. There will be an explosion of freedom and an infilling of the Holy Spirit that will bring the joy of your salvation back to your hearts.

*

216. I'm not looking for perfection; I'm looking for love! During this next year there will be times when you fail, things that you will forget, and battles that could have gone better. But you must realize that these are simply obstacles that build spiritual muscle and make you into stronger disciples. All you have to do is try your best to love Me and love your brothers. That's really all there is to it—that love will motivate you to do all that I'm asking of you. Once you've done your best, you can stand back and see Me do the rest.

*

222. You will not fail, and you will not "flunk the tests" of this year, if you are doing your best to stay close to Me. You will make mistakes, you will still sin and have shortcomings, you will still fall and need to get back up on your feet and try again; but that's not failure. That's training. That's strengthening. That's maturing. That's growing. That will be the fruit of this year: greater skill, more of My strength, deeper maturity, and substantial growth. Don't ever confuse training with failing. As long as you get back up and try again, know that you're in training. Not one of you who want to make it will fail, if you keep on getting back up and trying one time more.

*

235. My promise to you—each Family member—is that you will come through the next year strengthened and trained in new ways. It doesn't matter if you feel you've been strengthened or not. If you've done the "wenting," the obeying, the clinging and depending on Me—your inner man will be stronger and you will be ready to face the future and the path of destiny I have for My Family.

And while I'm at it, I'd just like to ask for prayer, as I've been really discouraged recently and definately need an extra boost of prayer power. Prophecies are welcome too if you have the burden. Love you all