And then it hit me...

It’s interesting when you finally come to the realization of something about yourself, no matter how many times somebody else pointed it out to you before; it always has a bigger effect when you, yourself finally realize it.

Such a happening occurred today at the lunch table. Somebody made a reference about some food that I had cooked last night and how ‘disgusting’ it was. They were joking of course, but I, lacking self confidence, had to ask what was really wrong with the food, not giving into the thought that perhaps they were just pulling my leg.

After receiving an assuring answer, only then did I feel relieved and confident that I did something well.

It was as if I needed assurance from someone else to boost my own self confidence.

Then it dawned on me…I do this on a regular basis.

I automatically get in a questioning mode after I’ve completed something, and need assurance and something in which to base myself on to be able to get my confidence back up to par.

In lacking confidence in myself, and having to go to others for reassurance, I show that I’m very insecure in myself.

I lack the self assurance to ‘not give a damn’ about what everybody else thinks. What other people think matters a lot to me, and if someone says something and it doesn’t sit well with me, I’m the type of person that will mull it over, trying to figure out what they could have possibly meant by it, and if it had multiple meanings.

Of course, most of the time people don’t notice this, and so think I’m just the quiet type that just sits in the corner, but usually the reason I’m quiet is because I’m thinking very seriously about what is going on, or why something was said.

But back to my lack of confidence, which really leads up to a lack of acceptance.

I want to be accepted, I feel a ‘need’ to be accepted and pursue any possibility of reassurance I can get that I am in fact accepted.

This could be tracked down to my childhood and early teen years, where I was the outcast. Sure, the people I grew up with and spent all those years with may tend to disagree, but they never saw it from my viewpoint.

It always seemed that I had to work harder, be more than I was in order to be accepted into their little ‘groups’. But I would always make a fool out of myself and expose who I really was to everyone in the end, and I was back at square one, fighting and scrounging for acceptance once again. It was a never ending process, and in some ways, I revert to that over and over again, willing to do almost anything if it means acceptance.

But I think the real problem is not that I was always seeking acceptance from other people, but that I couldn’t accept myself. I compared myself to others constantly and I just couldn’t accept myself for the way I was and get over it.

I always had to try to be like this, or like that, or force myself into someone else’s mold, where I didn’t fit, and I never really allowed myself to discover who I really was.

I never accepted myself, and in not accepting myself, I sought acceptance from others, which tore apart any self confidence I held, which I always had to glean from other people in the end.

I lacked the courage to accept the person I was, to be confident in myself and be able to stand up to any challenges I faced. I would balk and cower if it meant I had to do something in which would require courage and self confidence, even if it was something which I was talented at. I’d feel a ‘need’ to hear someone say that the job I did was ‘well done’, and feel satisfied with myself only after hearing those words.

I couldn’t stand the thought of failing, or making a mistake and then being corrected for it, as then it would mean that I wasn’t ‘good enough’.

I analyzed myself over and over again, criticized myself if I wasn’t doing something right, feeling that I could do it better, but needing reassurance from someone else to give me their opinion as well.

I just lacked acceptance in myself, lacked confidence in the things I would do, which showed I lacked the character of belief in myself and denied myself the ability to define my personality, denying myself the right to grow.

You’ve heard about those people that started working out too early or drinking coffee too early, and so it stunted their growth?

Well I was like those people, in that my personality's and character's growth were stunted. I was trying to force myself to be something I wasn’t, forcing myself into molds that left my character and personality undeveloped.

You may tend to agree, or disagree with what I've just revealed to you about myself, but what really matters to me right now is that I realized it.

And when you have a realization about yourself, then comes the realization also that you have the ability to change, and pursue growth, turning yourself into a better person and allowing you to come closer to the full potential of what you were meant to be.