How I feel, nostalgic and alone

Damaged

~by Plumb .
Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back I must go on....

They just keep getting bigger

This just made me laugh so hard today. I love it!
some are such classics
tell me you don't get a laugh out of at least 1 picture in that set

1 hour of sleep and a neck ache is all I've gotten so far

Oi, I am never ever, ever, ever, EVER flying with jetBlue airlines again!
As I'm writing this, I am stuck at the airport, enroute to Austin, to visit my family, and I have spent the night by myself, alone, with annoying voices on the loudspeakers ever 10 minutes or so, and with perhaps only 1 hour of sleep.
My connecting flight was cancelled while I was in the air, so when I landed and walked through the doors to the terminal, a stream of dread coarsed through my body when I saw the crowds of people that were looking about as pissed as I was about to be when I found out not a moment later that they had cancelled my next flight, and I would have to rebook for the next available flight heading out that way...which with my luck, wasn't until 1:30pm the next day.
It is 6:30am, and I don't think its necessary to expound on how much I hate mornings, this one no exception, except that I might just dislike this one morning a bit more.
Come 1:30 this afternoon, when my flight finally takes off, I will not have stepped outside of an aircraft or airport in a full 24 hours...and my flight doesn't even arrive in Austin till about 5pm, so by that time I will have spent roughly about 28 hours in various airports and aircrafts.
I had planned to be in Austin today already, spending the day with my family, and taking as many pictures as I could fit on my memory card, but apparently some evil minion interfered with my plans and screwed me over.
Not to mention, that this airline didn't even put people up in hotels for the night, and made them either stay in the terminal (like I and so many other people, with only little airplane pillows and blankets to comfort them), or leave the masses and fight for an available hotel room for the remainder of the night. I mean, what airline has cable tv, leather seats in coach and boasts of the most leg room, but doesn't offer some sort of compensation for the inconvenience that they have caused so many people.
I'll tell you....A SCREWED UP ONE!

In the empty room

I've done it again
I've finished a drawing
I seem to never finish any of my drawings anymore, and if I do, it usually has taken me about 2 years to do or so.
This last drawing that I finished surprisingly only took me a few months to complete...I don't remember exactly when I started it, only that I finished it today, and thats all that really matters to me.
I have many other unfinished drawings sitting in my sketchbook that I have yet to finish, so maybe in the future you will see them posted up here too...but for now they lay unfinished.
Here is my newly completed drawing, for your viewing pleasure


done with HB, 2B, 4B, 6B, and 7B pencils on 65 lb. 9 x 12 paper

Just Trust

I think, one of the major things I'm learning right now, is to just trust the Lord for everything.
I have a tendency to worry, and get stressed a lot sometimes, and I really forget to just give it all over to the Lord and let him work things out and trust him.
A few things happened recently that really helped me to see that I really shouldn't try to do things in my own strength.
One being that I had been trying to work something out, and it kept on getting delayed for one reason or another, and I didn't entirely know the reason why, just that I was getting very frustrated. So I finally broke down and asked the Lord why it wasn't working, and he told me that I was missing a piece of the picture, skipping a step in the path that he had for me, and it wasn't working out cause it wasn't his will yet. The next step for me was to go visit my family in Morelia, something which I had decided not to do, because it didn't seem logical.
It was very difficult for me, just trusting him like that, as I didn't know what was going to happen next, I couldn't stay there for very long, and I basically didn't really have a place planned out to go to next, so it really was a test of faith for me. But I went anyways, I was still worrying, still fretting, and I wasn't trusting completely.
But it was really amazing how it all worked out, I got a ride to the bus terminal, bought my ticket, boarded the bus, and the bus left literally right as soon as I got on it.
If it wasn't the Lord's will that I went, I bet it wouldn't have worked out exactly like it did.
The other thing that happened, was that while I was visiting my family, a few people were going up to the states and I was able to get a ride up there with them.
Everything kinda worked out in the end, quite differently than I was planning on before, but worked out nonetheless.
I really learned that I can really trust the Lord for anything, and that he has a plan and will in everything, and often times, when something isn't working out, or keeps on getting delayed, or something to that effect, usually He has something different planned, or you are just missing a stepping stone, and you just need to follow his plan and not your own.

An Anniversary of a New Life

Another year has passed without you here.

I think about you, I wish that you were here with me, but I know that you’re in a better place.

Are you proud of me?

Are you proud of the way that I’ve turned out?

Do you look down on me from Heaven and tell others how proud you are of me and that I turned out good?

Do you wish you could have stayed, been more a part of my life down here?

Or do you now know the master plan behind it all, the reason you were called home at that time, why you couldn’t live a longer life?

I miss you.

Do you miss me?

I miss your bear hugs, your laugh, your smile, the jokes you would say, the stories you would tell.

I miss it all.

8 years have passed…or is it 9?

It seems so long ago that it happened, that we got the phone call, that I spent days crying, that I couldn’t bear to think of you, or hear about you lest the tears start falling once again.

It hurt.

It hurt that you left me at that time, I couldn’t bear it, I wanted you back so bad, that I wanted to die.

I tried to blame myself; I tried to blame others, anything to keep myself from blaming God, because I knew I couldn’t do that.

I cried myself to sleep at night thinking about you.

I asked God to let me hear your voice once again, to hear you sing to me again…I think he might have answered that request.

There are so many things that I feel like you missed out on, that I missed out on by you not being here.

But you are here, though I can’t see you, though I can’t always feel you here, you are here.

I’ve let you go, I want you to know that, it was hard, I cried, and I still think about you, and wish I could spend one more day with you again here on earth.

I wish that you could teach me how to surf like you promised, that you could teach me the tunes to all of your songs so I could finally play them.

I will never forget you, I couldn’t do that, you’ve never fully been replaced in my life, but God sent someone who tried, and did a good job of raising me, hopefully how you would have tried to raise me yourself.

Do you thank God for that now? That I had good training, a good upbringing, even though you weren’t the one to do it?

I thank you for everything that we did together while you were here, and that you’re still there to comfort me from the other side.

Happy Birthday Papa, I hope that you are rocking the Heavens into a whole new dimension today, and for eternity.

And when the time is right, I will see you again.

I love you.

It's all just happenstance

My life has been so hectic lately, one thing happening almost right after another. I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, but in the end it all seems to work out just right, and most of the times better than I even hoped.
Yesterday my sister told me that she was going to another home in Mex City for a day or so, and wanted to work out us seeing each other somehow. Of course, this being Mex City, we're about an hour away from each other, and so I told her it probably wouldn't be possible to work that out, and I left it at that. I had already concluded in my mind that I wouldn't be able to see her while she was here in Mex as things were just a little too busy in my life at the moment.
But then, later on, she popped up on chat asking if the home would let me have some time off if she came over here, or if they would let me go over there to be able to see her, and so I went off to find out if either plan was possible.
I don't know what I've done to deserve such kindness and mercy, but nobody seemed to have any problem at all with me taking off last night, and spending the day with her today.
On top of all that, we were having a bible study here with some of the young people in the area, and so I was able to get a ride to a home close to where my sister was staying, and spend the night there.
To be honest, I couldn't get through on the phone to the home to ask if I could spend the night there or not, so I decided to leap out by faith and just go, begging forgiveness as soon as I entered the door and explaining the entire situation (but I wouldn't recommend anyone else to do what I did...its better to get permission first). They were very understanding though and said it was alright that I stay the night, which I am definitely grateful for.
All in all, I am blessed, I don't deserve even a percentage of what the Lord does for me, but he does it for me anyways, and for that, I am eternally thankful.
But I am beginning to believe that my life is all just happenstance.

Snippets

It seems that I have taken up writing once again...off and on though and in spurts.
For some reason though I can't seem to complete anything that I've started, and if I try, it just doesn't come out right, I guess some part of writers block is still there. As of yet, I haven't started writing songs again though, I keep trying, but nothing comes to me.
Here are a few snippets of things that I've written over the last while.

I've been up, I've been down
I turn around
And your still there

*

Never though I'd have to say goodbye
And leave all of you behind
But there comes a time for change
In each and every one of our lives

I've said goodbye so many times
Can I say it one more time
Will I face my fears and wear the tears
That come when I move on

*

When thoughts come screaming out my brain
And emotions I no longer contain
The sun has set upon my grief
Confusion swells with no relief

*

My thoughts roam freely within your mind
And trespass upon secrets inside

*

I've got nothing to give
You've got nothing to gain
So why do you do this
And absorb all my pain

I'll give you one reason
Just let me explain
You are everything to me
And worth all the pain

Through all the sorrows and sadness
I might just complain
But you've given me reason
To smile through my pain

So don't cry my darling
Don't cry in the rain
But smile through your tears
And let me bear your pain

Those are just a few of the things that I've written over the last while, not very good, but I guess it takes time to get that writers streak back.
It comes and goes, like the moving wind, or the tides of the ocean, I just can't be the one to decide when I have it or when I don't.

New and Improved Wireless

New stuff on google, they come up with something new all the time, this is by far the best thing I've seen for a while.
Haha, and no I'm not advertising for them...or maybe I am, but its kewl nonetheless, check it out

Happenings in My Life

So I got up this morning, bright and early and actually went to the gym to work out. I only did this because there was a driver to take me there, and almost everyone else in the home was going...plus My Love has been telling me I need to get up in the morning to work out, as its better for me.

But man, I've been tired the whole day, perhaps I didn't get to bed early enough as I got up at 5:30 this morning rather than the regular 7am reveille. It was a good work out and definately worth it. I think I worked out every part of my legs and ass that I could possibly work out...I don't feel any pain yet though, but who knows when that will kick in, probably tomorrow morning.

Anyhow, we had half prayer day when we got back from the gym, it was nice, very relaxing, very inspiring.

Something else that happened today, was that I was able to hold a broken conversation with a member of my home in spanish today...a breakthrough! haha, it was interesting, I had to ask him what this or that word was in spanish for almost every sentence I made, and a lot of times he would get stumped and I either had to do hand motions, or wrack my brain for another way in which to explain to him the word I wanted translated into spanish was. I must admit though, it was fun, and I didn't realize I knew all that I did till I started actually trying to speak in spanish (yes, I have been trying before, just it didn't flow that well, plus I'm just too shy to just step out and try to speak all the time, or maybe its just my pride getting in the way).

Among other things, I've started learning piano once again, learning to read music and all that. Its been quite fun, and I only started a little over a week ago and I've already almost learned Canon in D completely, there still are some parts that I mess up on, but I'm getting the hang of it. Now just to find more songs to learn on the piano, if anyone reading this blog has any sheet music then please drop me a line in the comment section, because I'm getting kinda desperate for some variety already, heh.

March 18th, 2007

Dear My Love,
Give me the strength
To live one more day for you
Give me the faith
To do the things that
Seem impossible to do
Give me a heart
To learn how to trust
And give me a life
So I can give what I must.

Promises for 2007

I was reading the new comp called Promises for 2007, and I came across these quotes that really spoke to me, perhaps they'll speak to you too.

215. Prepare to rise above like never before. Prepare to rise high above the problems and fears that for so long have bogged you down. There will be an explosion of freedom and an infilling of the Holy Spirit that will bring the joy of your salvation back to your hearts.

*

216. I'm not looking for perfection; I'm looking for love! During this next year there will be times when you fail, things that you will forget, and battles that could have gone better. But you must realize that these are simply obstacles that build spiritual muscle and make you into stronger disciples. All you have to do is try your best to love Me and love your brothers. That's really all there is to it—that love will motivate you to do all that I'm asking of you. Once you've done your best, you can stand back and see Me do the rest.

*

222. You will not fail, and you will not "flunk the tests" of this year, if you are doing your best to stay close to Me. You will make mistakes, you will still sin and have shortcomings, you will still fall and need to get back up on your feet and try again; but that's not failure. That's training. That's strengthening. That's maturing. That's growing. That will be the fruit of this year: greater skill, more of My strength, deeper maturity, and substantial growth. Don't ever confuse training with failing. As long as you get back up and try again, know that you're in training. Not one of you who want to make it will fail, if you keep on getting back up and trying one time more.

*

235. My promise to you—each Family member—is that you will come through the next year strengthened and trained in new ways. It doesn't matter if you feel you've been strengthened or not. If you've done the "wenting," the obeying, the clinging and depending on Me—your inner man will be stronger and you will be ready to face the future and the path of destiny I have for My Family.

And while I'm at it, I'd just like to ask for prayer, as I've been really discouraged recently and definately need an extra boost of prayer power. Prophecies are welcome too if you have the burden. Love you all

Finally

I am here, yes, here, as opposed to there, where I've been for the last 3 weeks.

If that made any sense to you, then I congratulate you.
Anyhow, I have finally made it to my new home.
After a month and a half of waiting, 3 weeks of that staying with my family, then 3 more weeks with the lovely bunch of Corazoners I am finally in my new home.
Yes, I will miss all of you, it was tougher than it seemed leaving you all yesterday, but it had to be done. I feared if I stayed any longer I wouldn't be welcome back the next time, hah.
In other news, I like it here. The house is awesome! It has layers....many layers and staircases, a great view of the city, a wonderful roof area.
Oh and did I mention the view?
I don't know what it is about the city sometimes, but occasionally I find myself more at peace here in the city, as opposed to being out of the city and in the country.
Can anything be too relaxing for you sometimes? I felt that way when I first got to the Corazones home, I thought it felt too relaxing. But it was good, I enjoyed myself there, had fun and all that. I will be posting the few pictures I have of a few of us girls that went out one night, that was pretty fun.

This last freeday that I had was...well, interesting. I woke up with waaay too much energy on my hands and a desperation to get off of the property and out somewhere. So after much bouncing around and telling people that I needed to get out of the house or else I'd go insane, I finally got Christina to take me to Tepo where we walked around some and got tacos and icecream. It was definately what I needed to relax myself. I was actually able to sit down for more than 5 minutes when I got back home...that was a feat in itself because for the last couple of days before that I had trouble even doing that. Maybe it was because all of the girls ditched me for Acapulco and left me defenseless against all the guys. Boy, was I glad when the girls got back though....
I'll definately miss all of them, a great home it is, but just don't think its for me.

Sworn Enemies

I have officially come to the conclusion that knives and I just don't get along.
This is the third time I've cut myself in the last 2 weeks, and always when I'm least expecting it.
I'm cutting and onion, and wham, I slice my finger up. Lettuce...the same thing except its deeper this time and more annoying.
Then today I was just minding my own business, trying to be a help and wash all the dishes that are in the dish area to get it a bit cleaner and less work for after lunch and again I cut myself.
I'm jinxed....I don't think I should be using knives anymore, cause the next thing that could happen is I accidentally slit my wrists or something...then I'd really be in a pickle.

Lord help me

It was good

Well, feastings over, it ended last night.

It was relaxing, I'll say that much, very relaxing and I enjoyed it very much, I didn't get a chance to read everything there was, but what I read was very inspiring. I will be working on the other letters slowly but surely just to make sure I get the most out of them.

The theme of the ending of the feast night 'party' for the girls of the home here was 'crazy/ugly', and the adults it was 'hippie', I don't think there was a theme for the guys... It turned out to be very interesting, very bottle breaking. I had a lot of fun. For drinks we had Margaritas and Pina Coladas, I prefer the margaritas, I'm not so into the coconut taste in the pina coladas. Anyhow, it was fun, for the most part. I had a great time laughing, I don't know about anybody else though. heh...I'll post some pics as soon as I get my hands on them...if thats ever going to happen.

On another note, today I spent the whole day out busking with the people here. Seeing as I had no chance to practice the songs, and didn't know hardly any of the dances to them, I thoroughly embarrassed myself.
I must say it was fun though. I had a good laugh, everyone else had a good laugh and we all got along.
I sold 3 cds all by my little lonesome...ok I had help from the heavenlys, but yeh, I don't speak so much spanish, so that was a feat in itself.
I'm proud of myself, now don't go tearing me down with saying how many cds you can get out, when you speak more spanish than I do.

Ok, I'll be quiet, I'm obviously talking to myself here.

Anyhow, I have no idea what I'm going to be doing tomorrow, but it holds promise for something interesting, I can tell you that much, cause its the Corazones home.

Note to self:
Buy popcorn or some kinda munchies, so I can sit back and enjoy the soap opera that is called 'Life in the Corazones Home'.
(Its really not that bad, I just dubbed it that today, cause I'm so used to living in home with not as many young people and everything.)

All things work together for good...

PTL!
So I have a home to go to for feast....to be honest they're starting tonight, but I'll be there in the morning so thats better than nothing.
I have to get up at 4am, be ready to be out the door when the taxi comes to pick me up and I have a bus that leaves at 5:30am so I can get there at 9:30am.
Ok, so I was supposed to be there around 9am...but things don't always work out the way we want them to. I'll be there when I get there.
Pray for me, as yeh, I'm a horrible morning person and I don't know how I'll do waking up that early. Hopefully I'll be able to get a cup of coffee to wake me up and be all chipper and bright when the taximan comes to give me a ride to the bus station.
So yes...that will be my adventure.
Not much excitement to it though....

On a different note, here are those pics I said I'd be putting up a while back...

Parasailing, or whatever you want to call it.








Me looking all funky with my hair frizzing out everywhere












Horseback riding, what fun!












Mel looking lovely as usual











Well, thats all for now folks...

gosh darnit

Well, it seems like I'm not going to be having feast at any home this year, which is...depressing.
I should have planned better
I should have remembered that the feast was sometime before Feb 18th
But I didn't...and now I suffer for it.
Oh well, maybe I'll be able to find some days where I can get my personal feasting time...but it just won't be the same.

Thinking about it made me depressed.
I need a hug.

It is finished

Isn't that feeling you get when you feel like you've accomplished something, simply wonderful?
I'm proud to say I finally finished a piece of art that I started almost 2 years ago.
I have no idea why it took me this long to complete it, only that I went through many stages of those 2 years where I had no inspiration at all to draw.
But now that I've completed this drawing I feel really good, and actually am hoping to get back into drawing and art more.
See, the thing about me with art, is that the pictures I draw have to inspire me to draw them. They have to have some kind of element in them that just catches my eyes, whether its the pose, the person, or the shadows, it has to capture my attention and keep me enthralled the whole time I'm drawing it.
If it doesn't inspire me, then I simply won't draw it.
Sure, tons of people say I should be an artist for WS, but honestly, I couldn't take that kind of pressure and force myself to draw like that. I draw for fun, I draw when inspired, I don't draw because someone tells me to, when that happens I usually lose all inspiration for a while and its tough for me to get back into the groove, unless of course they have a really good photo which they want me to draw.
Thus said, here is the drawing.

You're so vain...

So I've been busy of late...busy doing almost next to nothing. Heh, ahhh the wonderful feeling of relaxation, which is swiftly ending and turning into the strain of work again. But I knew it was coming and its not all that bad.
On Friday Mel, Teresa and I decided to put our own busking team together and hit the restaurants downtown and get some personal money for ourselves. We spent roughly around 4 hours practicing and then ran out the door with another amigo Rick which we had dragged along to help us sell cds. For not having practiced so long...and for me not being a super good guitar player, we did quite well for ourselves and had a lot of fun in the process. We met the owner of a hotel, and sang in the restaurant there in the hotel (I completely embarrassed myself when Mel told me to sing a song basically by myself when she and Rick went to the tables to sell cds...it was horrible) But its all good, the owner invited us to sit and chat for a while and taste some shrimp with a cheese sauce that was cooked in wine...it was good, the cheese sauce that is, they served little pieces of bread to dip into the sauce as well, so I didn't have to try to stomach the shrimp. (I really don't like seafood as you can tell.)
Saturday we were going to go out the whole day singing, but then decided to go out to see these parasailers (I think thats what they are called, I'll post pictures of them so if you know better then please correct me) and go horseback riding. It was kewl, took pics and all that good stuff, and we went singing later as well.
Sunday...well we were going to get up early to go singing, we told ourselves we would, we tried to drag ourselves out of bed to catch that morning crowd...but we were just too tired as we had watched a movie the night before, I guess that wasn't such a good idea, but it was fine. So I haven't a clue what we ended up doing that day anyways...
Yesterday was my official WnR, and I spend the whole day doing nothing...well, I was vain for a while and got a girl to take some pics of me, but I won't be posting them as that will just be adding to my vanity. I've been really vain of late though, argg...I must stop it, its getting to be really bad, pretty soon you will see me posing every time a camera is around if I don't stop it now. I think I should just go back to my get-that-camera-away-from-me stage and be happy. Pray for me.
Today I was supposed to go out almost the whole day witnessing, but ended up staying home in the morning doing almost nothing, and then doing lunch dishes and going out to see some land that they were looking at for a new house. I did end up going out witnessing later and didn't do so bad. It was pretty fun, I had a debate with a guy here about how to say 'llama', he says it one way, and I say it the other...I don't know exactly who won in the end...but I will prevail!
Thats all for now folks, I will post pics as soon as the internet desires to start working regularly once again, as it seems to just love to disconnect everytime I try to add pics to this post.

vacations

I'm officially starting my 'vacations' today. I'm visiting my family in Morelia for about 3 weeks and then after that I'm off to who knows where for a couple of weeks until the home I'm going to be moving to gets back from having their vacations in Cancun...what bums.
But its all good, my parents are here, Mel is visiting, but she's leaving in a couple of days, and then my bro is also leaving in a couple of days to do a job in the states, but I'll have fun anyways.
My nephews have grown sooo much, they're so adorable. And Ali is so beautiful with her pregnant belly, she's going to have a little girl. Its going to be soooooo cute.
Anyhow I'm starting my lazy day out right, right on the computer, so I'm going now to find some grub to eat.